Chains

Mistakes of my past
Holding me safe and numb from the future
Protecting me unnecessarily
Keeping me from myself

Desire of the now
Pulling me from my safehaven
Urging me, daring me to risk everything
Overriding all my logic

Love of ages
Chains that will not be broken
Pulling me in a thousand ways
Seperating flesh from bone from soul

Decisions!
My heart knows what I want.
But do I have the heart to harm
One who truely cares?

Flashback

Heaven
I remember heaven.

Thoughts like music flow gently down my face
Or are they tears?
Feathers like butterflies brush my ear
Or are they eyelashes?
Bars of steel hold me safe and content as a casket holds one who has found true peace
Or are they... your arms?

But my scars condemn me
exile me
My pain is too much weight for even your strength of soul
For, as glass, we are strong but brittle
Capable of holding pressure without faltering
Liable to shatter at any given moment

I am a fallen angel
Fallen from your grace
Wearing the mark of the devil on my wrists
Praying repentance, trying to change
Knowing I am not what I was

Give me hope - so that I do not falter and give in to the still small voice
that speaks to me at night
hissing: You are truely insane now. Just let go.

Torture

Hush
A whisper - can you hear it?
Rustling coolly in pools of mind
You must hear it! Getting louder...
Voices marauding my senses
I can smell them!

Let go, they say
Letgo, losehope
FREE YOURSELF
Let them lock you away even
Your mind is free
Let them kick you out of their bronze plated institutions
Ban you from their mental murdering facilities
Tie your arms in an endless embrace banging heads on pillow
Your mind will be free
Or will you hang yourself in the ropes they use to restrain you?

The voices argue with what the experts say
screaming how they aren't really experts anyway

Cruel subconcious logic, I just want it to go away, to fade into their padded cells
And dream of endless beautiful bountiful golden fields where the sky is blue and the day is new and a thousand angles sing and arms enfold me and prayers behold me and
everything
is
right again
and my mind is as a child.

Sertraline Smile

Sertraline Smile
Blinding your eyes
Happy am I, but in a daze
Fogged over mind and clouded soul
Cannot see cannot be
me

False flamboyance
Enjoying life as in a dream
grenadine grin
Showing Joy notofthesoul
saccharine sweet
Grimacing at the obvious mistake

FAKE! FAKE! FAKE!
A thousand angry voices pollute my mind
Screaming that this is not REAL
FAKER they cry over and over
FAKER yelling with disgust
FAKER! YOU ARE NOT!

Fear, anger, they must not know
They must NOT know ME
They hate my emotion - My angst - My sorrow
They hate me for showing the world that I am not whole.
Terrified clutching in desperation to the last pills of hope
The last tiny cloak of drugs
Of caffiene and adrenaline
Of SERTRALINE
That will hide the true me.

WHY do they hate me so blindly
The voices in the croud yell
"FAKER!
Your pain is not REAL!
Turn on the news! Look out your window!
There you see true pain,
in the raped and the soulless and the starving
in the sick and the dying and the protecting
THERE is the REAL pain.
YOURS IS NOT. YOU ARE NOT."

A thousand angry voices scream
Wrecking my perfect peace
Ruining my delusion of contentedness
FAKE FAKE FAKE
Outside and inside! EVERYTHING!
Screaming FAKER!