Unforgiven

My heart is full
Full of beautiful love like light
Light shut in, peeping through cracks
But you have seen it, you know it's beauty.

Release it once again
pure unbridled and cleansing
Wash away my imperfections and my shame
You know it would help you too.

For I fought you
I threw every clip of ammo
Every gun, every bomb, every tank
Every last scrap of impure bloodstained metal....

I hid my light
I put up walls
and I pushed those walls farther out toward you
Crushing your wounded flesh against the scraping stone

So Unworthy, I stand
Unabashed and knowingly unwanted
Forgive me - Restore me - Let my light shine
Allow me to become complete in you forever

Awakening

I put a finger on my hand
Feel the warm blue blood coursing
Pounding, breathing through my veins
Alive! My eyes have been opened
Yet again
My heart is unprotected
Another roll of the dice
Learning to trust and hope and dream
Alive! Will I be torn asunder from this beauty
Yet again
Will I go numb and cold
Surrendering to the power of winter
Lulling me to sleep as my body protests
Wishing I was warmer

Explanatory Conversation as heard from the Inside of a Box

*THUD*
"*moan...*"
"Mother! What is it? Can I poke it?"
"No honey, stay away from that... THING...."
"Why can't I hug it, mother?"
"It won't help, sweetheart... it won't change."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It FEELS.... an ailment so rare that we torture and label the poor creatures who do.
We tell them to control it, we take away their music. They can't control themselves so we give them medication. We take away their knives and leave them with their scars. We take away their clothes and leave them with their nakedness. We take away their expression and leave them with themselves."
"Why can't we just love it and make it human?"
"Because.... It doesn't deserve anything from people like US."

A Poem, For a Change

~I Know~


I know it’s not love
But what is its name?
A warm breeze refreshing,
Or a cold winter rain?

I know it’s not joy
But what is it called?
Luscious beauty unaided,
Or a mourner shaved bald?

I know you don’t want me
But what can I do?
Run from you forever,
Or cling tightly to you?

I knew this would happen
I knew we couldn’t pretend
But why didn’t I expect
The pain that won’t end?

Chains

Mistakes of my past
Holding me safe and numb from the future
Protecting me unnecessarily
Keeping me from myself

Desire of the now
Pulling me from my safehaven
Urging me, daring me to risk everything
Overriding all my logic

Love of ages
Chains that will not be broken
Pulling me in a thousand ways
Seperating flesh from bone from soul

Decisions!
My heart knows what I want.
But do I have the heart to harm
One who truely cares?

Flashback

Heaven
I remember heaven.

Thoughts like music flow gently down my face
Or are they tears?
Feathers like butterflies brush my ear
Or are they eyelashes?
Bars of steel hold me safe and content as a casket holds one who has found true peace
Or are they... your arms?

But my scars condemn me
exile me
My pain is too much weight for even your strength of soul
For, as glass, we are strong but brittle
Capable of holding pressure without faltering
Liable to shatter at any given moment

I am a fallen angel
Fallen from your grace
Wearing the mark of the devil on my wrists
Praying repentance, trying to change
Knowing I am not what I was

Give me hope - so that I do not falter and give in to the still small voice
that speaks to me at night
hissing: You are truely insane now. Just let go.

Torture

Hush
A whisper - can you hear it?
Rustling coolly in pools of mind
You must hear it! Getting louder...
Voices marauding my senses
I can smell them!

Let go, they say
Letgo, losehope
FREE YOURSELF
Let them lock you away even
Your mind is free
Let them kick you out of their bronze plated institutions
Ban you from their mental murdering facilities
Tie your arms in an endless embrace banging heads on pillow
Your mind will be free
Or will you hang yourself in the ropes they use to restrain you?

The voices argue with what the experts say
screaming how they aren't really experts anyway

Cruel subconcious logic, I just want it to go away, to fade into their padded cells
And dream of endless beautiful bountiful golden fields where the sky is blue and the day is new and a thousand angles sing and arms enfold me and prayers behold me and
everything
is
right again
and my mind is as a child.

Sertraline Smile

Sertraline Smile
Blinding your eyes
Happy am I, but in a daze
Fogged over mind and clouded soul
Cannot see cannot be
me

False flamboyance
Enjoying life as in a dream
grenadine grin
Showing Joy notofthesoul
saccharine sweet
Grimacing at the obvious mistake

FAKE! FAKE! FAKE!
A thousand angry voices pollute my mind
Screaming that this is not REAL
FAKER they cry over and over
FAKER yelling with disgust
FAKER! YOU ARE NOT!

Fear, anger, they must not know
They must NOT know ME
They hate my emotion - My angst - My sorrow
They hate me for showing the world that I am not whole.
Terrified clutching in desperation to the last pills of hope
The last tiny cloak of drugs
Of caffiene and adrenaline
Of SERTRALINE
That will hide the true me.

WHY do they hate me so blindly
The voices in the croud yell
"FAKER!
Your pain is not REAL!
Turn on the news! Look out your window!
There you see true pain,
in the raped and the soulless and the starving
in the sick and the dying and the protecting
THERE is the REAL pain.
YOURS IS NOT. YOU ARE NOT."

A thousand angry voices scream
Wrecking my perfect peace
Ruining my delusion of contentedness
FAKE FAKE FAKE
Outside and inside! EVERYTHING!
Screaming FAKER!

Teardrops

My eyes bleed
Stars that shine on lashes;
Dewey sorrow
Or sparkling joy,
Passion falling from the soul

Rebirth

A new star has been born
in my heart, in my mind
in the universe
A new hope has come to pass
strength for tomorrow
and a passion that will not fade

And if this love lives through the night
without wrinkling
or fading into black
And if my star does not die
If it finds strength
within itself
to weather impossible odds
And if my hope carries on
and is not dulled by distance or time
or dirtied by the sceptical blasphemies of thousands

And if my gem withstands the blast of the anvil....
It will indeed shine a thousand times brighter
in the morning
for the world to see

Rain

Rain of reality
Washing over my heart
Flooding out my dreams
Cleansing my soul of emotion and passion
Where is my hope
My strength, my guidance?
Where is my support?
It is a miracle that I can stand.

Mindscream

Bathed in a robe of a thousand shimmering stars
skipping, keeping feet dancing
rhythm and silent music roaring....
Fireflies descending like stars
stars floating like fireflies
breathing on my mind

Shudder - pain of realization
rattle and torturous realm of KNOW.
Pain is not bad, not bad, not mad
Is Beauty
Is Alteration
Is LOVE
Redefine your narrow constraints
and open your mind
and body
to the pain that will free you

Chemistry Class Scribbles pt 2

My second scribble:

Face of skepticism
Cynical smirking
Fascinating yet deadly
Drawing me in to trap and warp
Eyes
Shades of stony blue
Laughing yet clouded
the joke is yours alone
Eyes
Shaded shields of soul
Keeping me out and you in
and everyone else nowhere
Seperating and drawing
Two magnets held apart
What holds you? Fear perhaps?
The terror is mine as well
My heart and eyes are vulnerable
Offered upwords unwisely
Yours to burn or shatter or crush
Or to treasure in yours
Can you choose to keep
or are you incapable
of unshielding the shielded
even only to me.

Chemistry Class Scribbles pt 1

My first scribble of spontaneous prose, which I did in Chem class today.

Terror
Seeping thoruhg my veins
Staring at screaming screen
Freeze my soul
Warm me, Keep me
Hold me in your arms
for now at least

Heaven
Beautiful beginning bliss
Hopes fade into reality
Warm lips against my brow
comforting, for now

Terror
again, abruptly assaulting
Happiness leaves, warmth turns cold
Mistaken hopes, false reality
Turn me out to the rain
with but a soft blue scrap of cloth for comfort
Alone again

Heaven -
How could I mistake it?
Forget it? Never!
Impossible to feel again,
Nothing compares to the resounding feelings
Hearts pounding warm blood
Tender illusion of love
Illusion revealed
Never to be reality again

English Assignment

English is where I discovered the style of writing known as Spontaneous Prose. Basically it is brain barf that expresses thoughts and emotions in a jumble of words and semi coherant statments. I enjoy it. Here is my writing assignment:

I am
a puddle of conciousness,
Flowing around and into
everything around me,
Yet seperate
My mind dripping into corners,
Altering the state of my surroundings
in Various shimmering ways
Waves
Vibrations, tremors, small yet significant
Pool of light,
With a thousand transformations beating
and etching and changing
Yet gentle and soft, cool, calm
Never showing effect of prescence
Until sun
and light
and warmth comes,
Refracting and rejoining,
Throwing pieces to the sky,
Fly
Forever